I Immediately Regret This Decision

So last Friday I took about an hour drive with Ingrid to check out the Lion Park we had heard so much about. It was an extremely hot day and her air conditioning didn’t work, so I sweat through my t-shirt before we even arrived there, making the odor in the car smell like Big Foot’s dick. We got there right before closing and were greeted by a lovely woman who gave us two options: 1. Drive the long way and run the risk of braking down due to the terrible road conditions and try to see elephants before getting to the lions or 2. Go the short smooth easy way and go straight to the lions. Obviously we chose the difficult long way and bought some drinks and food in case we got stranded out there in her 1965 Nissan that was missing numerous essential parts. So we said farewell to the nice woman and as we were leaving we ran into a 3 year old rhino. We got to pet it and had the pleasure of having the smell of rhino shit on our hands the rest of the day, but it was cool as eggs to get to touch it. That’s what she said.

Anyways, we took off on our journey down the dirt road of death and found that keeping the windows closed the entire afternoon was not an option due to no A/C, so we went against all conventional wisdom and rolled them down, leaving us exposed to the number of snakes that inhabited the grounds and other wildlife in the area. I figured I would rather take my chances with a king cobra rather than deal with swamp eggs all day.

We made it through the road pretty easily and while we were slowly creeping towards the lion park Ingrid yelped out a sigh of joy due to 4 large elephants crossing the road in front of us. We drove forward but were hesitant due to the earlier conversation we had regarding whether or not we would let animals climb on Ingrid’s car. I, of course, was all in favor of it, but she was not so enthusiastic about the idea. We drove a bit forward and noticed a man that was following the elephants around. He waved towards our car and told us to come closer to them, which we did. He then told us we could get out of the car and take photos with them, which we did. Two of the elephants were from Africa and two from Asia. You know how I know you’re gay? Cause you like Asia. So those of you keeping score, in the matter of 15 minutes we had managed to break 2 very big rules in the park, which were keeping windows closed at all times and not getting out of the car.

After taking photos with them we got back in the car and discussed how much we should tip the elephant guy. I mean, tipping in general is so complex, and his job title just added to the debate. I don’t really like the rules of tipping. At home you have to tip some loser with gelled hair or a seggsy broad with nice cans about 2 bucks for opening a beer bottle. Why? It’s their job isn’t it? Like they did me this huge favor of using a bottle opener. I can do that myself. I shouldn’t have to pay for it. You should only have to tip on things that you can’t do on your own. Like someone handling elephants or pulverizing your kidney stones. But the big issue was how much we should tip him. I’ve never tipped an elephant handler before. I’ve tipped a trouser snake handler before, but never an elephant handler. Hey-ooo! We threw him 20 Rand and got a move on to the lion enclosure.

We got there to find a sign that listed the rules for being in there. Windows up, don’t get out, drive away from the lions if they come towards your car. Simple enough. The guy opened the gate and I got a strange feeling that we were driving into Jurassic Park. We drove just a few meters forward before I immediately regretted our decision of coming to the lion park that day. I wanted to get into my time machine and gun it to 88. We slowly crept towards the entrance, just the tip, just to see how it felt, and found 10 massive lions right in the middle of the road, blocking us from moving forward at all. So we sat in stankness of the car, windows rolled up, and waited for lions to make a move. After about ten minutes of sweating we decided we could crack open the windows just a bit to get some air. One rule broken. Moments later, a few of the lions got up and started walking towards us, and we left the car in park. Two rules broken. I couldn’t look any of the lions directly in the face, because I was so scared. They are massive animals. And I knew that the only thing protecting me from this lion was a thin piece of glass that rattled when you drove over 50 mph. One lion decided to pee on Ingrid’s car, uping the resale value significantly, while a few others decided to fight in front of our car, prompting us both to shout in fear and causing one drop of pee to hit my Calvins. I'm looking for Ray Finkel...and a clean pair of shorts.

We started to drive slowly towards the eggsit and finally after 45 minutes with the kings of the jungle, we drove safely out of the enclosure. As we were leaving the lion gatekeeper asked for a tip. I respected the balls he had to just come out and ask us for a tip, so we threw him 10 Rand. It reminded me of Charles Barkley giving a begger money who had a sign that said, "Want Money for Booze", because he respected his honesty. We survived our trip to the lion park, just barely, and you can check out the photos on the flickr page. I took way too many, but I got trigger happy due to thinking that these could be the last photos I ever take, and it would be cool to have some photos of me before getting mauled by 10 lions. Maybe a documentary made about me called The Lions, The Schmidt, and his Eggs or something. Ellen could play me. So that was our Lion Park adventure. A nice little Friday. We then went out with Thami for a nice whole meal of food by the beach. We got some wine and the waiter carded me and I quoted The Raven saying, “Nope playa, I’m of age.”