Driving Ms. Rooneggs

Today was the start of my working life. Literally. I realized when I woke up this morning that after this I wasn’t going to be doing any more school ever in my life, and that life would consist of waking up early and going to work everyday. I fucking hate work. Being a student is definitely the way to go. Wake up late. Go to class, sometimes. Eat Pluckers wings for dinner every night. Dance at Rain with seggsy broads every weekend. And now I gotta wake up at 6:30 am every day and go to work til 5? Fuck a duck.

But anyways, today was my first day of work. It started with me being picked up by my personal driver, Akay. I had to hire a driver to and from work every day because public transport isn’t very safe and walking uphill for 20 minutes in the blazing sun is both dangerous and insane. So I felt like Ms. Daisy while I rode to work this morning. His name is Akay because he wields that type of gun to deter muggers around Durban. Just kidding Mom. He’s a big time stud and has one of the coolest beards I have ever seen in my life. Super jealous. Anyways, I met my supervisor, Maud at work at 8 this morning and she and I chatted about my experiences with Social Work and my interests. She is awesome to be around and I am glad she is going to be my supervisor this semester. She and I walked around the hospital grounds to just get me oriented and on the way she introduced me to everyone we ran into. She is like a celebrity at the hospital so I met about 40 people this morning alone. I remember about 2 people’s names, but I’m sure I will get better. Zulu names are hard to pronounce but they were all impressed by my effort. I also realized that when shaking hands with someone here they do a cool handshake so they taught me how to do it so I felt Zulu. All I need now is to learn the click noise and they said I was in the club. They all said I need a tan because I am too white. I told em I was Jewish and they then understood why.

Maud also said she wants to get me a girlfriend so I will stay in KwaZulu-Natal to live. Shwing! But she said I would have to pay 11 cows to my future wives’ parents in order to get permission to marry her. A bit different than just asking Dad if it’s ok or just eloping to Vegas. Each cow is like 300 bucks and the father I guess can inspect the cow to make sure it is good enough to marry their daughter. I resisted the urge to quote Tommy Boy and say, “You can take a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking your head up a bull’s ass, but wouldn’t you rather take the butcher's word for it?” I don’t think they would really get my movie quoting humor. She also wants to take me about 5 hours away to meet her family and hang out for the weekend. So after we walked around a bit we went to the children’s ward to meet the staff there. I met all of them and one of them invited me to their wedding. So February 28, get your dancing shoes on. I told everyone I can rock a mean Gooneybird so they should brace themselves.

Later on in the day I met Lisa, a social work graduate student from Florida State. Her experience in Durban thus far has been a bit sub par so she was excited to hear an American accent. I also met Brian, an American doctor who has been living in Africa for 3 years now. We talked about life here and how it is different from the states. He also almost cried about missing the Phillies win the world series since he's a Phillies fan. He told me his dad had visited him during the world series and almost wanted to murder him because he missed the series. If the Cubs ever made it to the series, VISA will definitely get some cash, cause I'd be home for sure. Right Coach? The rest of the day I hung out with Maud and often sat in on conversations she had with other staff while they spoke in Zulu and they laughed at me while I was trying to understand anything they were saying. I sat and smiled for the most it. Maud also asked me if I wanted to do community outreach to teenaged kids, which I think will be awesome so I think one day a week I will go out to rural areas and mentor younger kids and hang out with them for the day. She said there are literally no male social workers here so she thinks it’s gonna be great to have a male mentor for a lot of the kids at the hospital and also in the community. So that was cool to see how many different things I can do this semester. She also wanted me to try my poetry group I did last year at the high school with some people and see if I can get it to work. So this semester I’ll be a poet and know it and mow it like a lawn, eat a baby prawn, with little sean, and sip dom, like biggie and his mom. Sorry, got excited.

The day went by pretty fast and at the end of the day I gave Maud a famous “Margoth Moreno feather”. She loved it. So, great work Ms. Margoth. So overall the first day was chaotic and a success. The rest of the week I will spend doing some information sessions and trainings so I can be KwaZulu-Natal certified. Kinda scary huh? I’ll be certified to care for other people’s lives in two countries.

When I got home Thami and Ingrid, a Norwegian social work student, came over to hang out at my place and we talked about my first day and had some laughs. I ate Oreos for dinner while we talked. The best thing about that is that they don’t put much cream filling in the middle of the cookie here, so you can easily unlock the magic. And, while I was eating Thami laughed because he saw the resemblance of Ellen Degeneres and me. They also asked me what “schmidts” meant because they read my blog today. I didn’t even know where to begin. So maybe schmidts doesn’t translate to other cultures. But I think once they get to know me more it will make sense, because I realized today I am 100% Grade A Schmidts. So cue the ridiculously schmidts music sung by a sad broad and Meredith Grey’s sad life advice, because this…is…officially…Schmidt’s Anatomy.

George: I'm totally schmidts.
Big Broad Torres: I know. You gave it to me.
Hahn: You're half schmidts.
Meredith: McDreamy isn't schmidts.
McSteamy: I'm definitely not schmidts. Check out my chin strap beard.
Izzy: I see dead people.
Rooney: I'm schmidts, but not like George.
George: Hey McDreamy, do you have room in your trunk? Cause I'm gonna put my bike in it. HEY-OOO!